Fearless Predictions
Looking for some reassurance in Boston, GM Joshua Anderson paid a visit to local exotic dancer/fortune teller Nyomi, who will vary the thrills depending on the price you pay.
Anderson chose the deluxe package, for thirty minutes in the Champagne Room and ten guaranteed lock predictions.
While no one could document the back room shenanigans - pictures are banned on all the posted signage - they did write down these Stone Cold Locks:
1. One GM will constantly be on the cusp of being fired, then come through with scant minutes to spare and complete the task assigned to him. Two GMs will be fired for not filling their roster violations, and whine they did not know.
2. The winner of the Adams Division will improve by at least ten points, but will still lose in the first round.
3. The Atlanta Thrashers will play surprisingly well to open the season, scaring the crap out of the GM that his Master Plan is being thwarted by The Good Lord toying with him. Atlanta will trade all players who are semi-competent or better for enough parts to fill out the roster and future fourth round draft picks. As the team goes on a five game skid, the sound you hear will be a massive sigh of relief.
4. The reverse will occur in Phildelphia, where no degree of karma can fight the destruction of this offseason. An embattered fan base will cry for help... and not get it.
5. Despite the best efforts of these two teams - and the Ducks - the top pick will end up in Dallas. It will all be Matt Walker's fault.
6. Chicago's GM will get in a petty fight the GM of an Original 6 team. He will fight like a girl, just like Bob Pulford would.
7. Speaking of Pulford, in a sheer fit of disgust, The Last Blackhawks Fans Alive, blkhawk and JB-Hawks, will go insane after the annual "Just Wanted To Remind You We Don't Know What We're Doing" trade by the Chicago Blackhawks. The two will challenge Blackhawks brass of Pulford and Dale Tallon to prove they have some clue about running hockey by running a CLUTCH team. Amazingly, the offer will be acepted. The team they takeover will lose nine straight, and they will trade three first round draft picks for a center. The center will be lost for the season two nights later, in a bizarre incident involving Chris Chelios' chilli.
8. And speaking of the GM Known As Blkhawk, he will leave the league during the year. It won't be out of anger or anything, but because he is killed in a tragic incident involving a massage parlor, excessive lotion, and massive bleeding from his peas and carrot.
9. The only words the Kings GM will speak in chat for the next three months will be "alex mogilny avail". Repeatedly.
10. The next offseason will be quicker. Pretty safe wager here - it simply HAS to be.
Anderson chose the deluxe package, for thirty minutes in the Champagne Room and ten guaranteed lock predictions.While no one could document the back room shenanigans - pictures are banned on all the posted signage - they did write down these Stone Cold Locks:
1. One GM will constantly be on the cusp of being fired, then come through with scant minutes to spare and complete the task assigned to him. Two GMs will be fired for not filling their roster violations, and whine they did not know.
2. The winner of the Adams Division will improve by at least ten points, but will still lose in the first round.
3. The Atlanta Thrashers will play surprisingly well to open the season, scaring the crap out of the GM that his Master Plan is being thwarted by The Good Lord toying with him. Atlanta will trade all players who are semi-competent or better for enough parts to fill out the roster and future fourth round draft picks. As the team goes on a five game skid, the sound you hear will be a massive sigh of relief.4. The reverse will occur in Phildelphia, where no degree of karma can fight the destruction of this offseason. An embattered fan base will cry for help... and not get it.
5. Despite the best efforts of these two teams - and the Ducks - the top pick will end up in Dallas. It will all be Matt Walker's fault.
6. Chicago's GM will get in a petty fight the GM of an Original 6 team. He will fight like a girl, just like Bob Pulford would.
7. Speaking of Pulford, in a sheer fit of disgust, The Last Blackhawks Fans Alive, blkhawk and JB-Hawks, will go insane after the annual "Just Wanted To Remind You We Don't Know What We're Doing" trade by the Chicago Blackhawks. The two will challenge Blackhawks brass of Pulford and Dale Tallon to prove they have some clue about running hockey by running a CLUTCH team. Amazingly, the offer will be acepted. The team they takeover will lose nine straight, and they will trade three first round draft picks for a center. The center will be lost for the season two nights later, in a bizarre incident involving Chris Chelios' chilli.8. And speaking of the GM Known As Blkhawk, he will leave the league during the year. It won't be out of anger or anything, but because he is killed in a tragic incident involving a massage parlor, excessive lotion, and massive bleeding from his peas and carrot.
9. The only words the Kings GM will speak in chat for the next three months will be "alex mogilny avail". Repeatedly.
10. The next offseason will be quicker. Pretty safe wager here - it simply HAS to be.
posted by JB* at 7:17 PM
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