Bruins have Best Week Ever in Training Camps

The Boston Bruins considered their training camp dollars to be money well spent, as Zach Tarkir and Rick Kozak both won "Stellar Camper" awards... and not just for having tidy bunks.

Both prospects were rewarded for their exceptional efforts during their week at passing camp, where each improved "at least ten percent", said Camp Director and Point Doler, Jari Kurri.

"We're pleased to see such stellar returns on our investment," GM Joshua Anderson told the players via teleconference. "We are certain this will translate into increased productivity on the ice, and that it will contribute to your long term careers with the Boston Bruins."

When asked for comment, Tarkir and Kozak both recited basic sports lines, including -
"I'm just happy to have the opportunity", "God gave me this ability and I see it as an honor to Him to use it to the best I can", "We're just going to play one game at a time", "This Stellar Camper award is nice, but a championship is all I really dream of", and "There may be no I in TEAM, but there sure as hell is in WIN", the last of which may have earned Tarkir a spot on the bench for an additional game.

The Boston Herald is also reporting that GM Joshua Anderson made phone calls to GMs of the Maple Leafs and Rangers to offer "condolences" for "pathetic-ass camps", as both men saw their enrollees finish deadlast overall in improvement.