Roman Malek - Banned from Boston

The odds said no, but the Evil Lords of CLUTCH said yes.

Roman Malek, the Boston Bruins third string netminder, has told the club that under no circumstance will he sign with the club. The real surprise to many is that more of the Bruins have not told the Club the same thing, even though most are under contract.

"The kid must have got cocky after getting in one stinkin' game last year," GM Joshua Anderson said when discussing the rejection. I mean, he lets in a goal on seven shots, has a 3.19 goals against average, and suddenly he thinks that because it is the best on the club, he can swing his dick around?"

Anderson continued the rant, shouting "Well guess what Roman! Sit your ass at home. You're going nowhere. No one is going to sign your sorry twenty-nine year old ass, and they sure as heck are not going to give up anything to get it. Deteeriorate on the couch, bitch."

The club had offered Malek a two year deal, allegedly at $500,000 a season. Given he saw a whopping nine minutes of ice time this year - just under, actually, at 8:48 - to reject the offer gives this reporter newfound respect for Malek. His balls must chafe in his pants, cause lord - they gotta be huge and swinging.