Rangers Eaten by Hungry Sharks

The New York Rangers were mauled like an unsuspecting sailor by the ferocious sharp toothed jaws of a hungry great white in San Jose last night.

"21 men went into the arena....then the sharks come," mumbled a gravel voiced Dimitrakos who saw no ice time and could only sit and watch the horror unfold. "21 men go into the arena. Icy cold it was. Then the sharks come. First I heard the goalies screaming... 21 men go into the arena only a few got out."

The Rangers showed plenty of heart in the loss but were ultimately chewed up by the aggressive Sharks. The game looked lost in the second as Martin St. Louis potted a short handed marker to put the big fish ahead 5-2 and a shaky and pale looking Mike Dunham was pulled in favour of Jocelyn Thilbaut. The Rangers' Taylor Pyatt opened the third with a quick goal and the Rangers opened up in uncharacteristic fashion. The Rangers swarmed the Sharks and tied the game at 5 before St. Louis banked one in off Thilbault from behind the net and broke the Rangers' spirit. York added insult to injury at 19:19 to ice the 7-5 victory.

Thilbault and Dunham were both visibly pale and weak after the game. It seems that Dunham's mystery stomach ailment may not have been fully passed as was originally suspected. Thilbault, it seems, may have contracted the same illness. The affliction seems to be similar to what Thilbault suffered earlier in the year that some alleged was poisoning - with Dunham as the prime culprit.

With both goalies going down with the same symptoms it would seem that either poisoing must be ruled out or a far darker and more sinister plot is underfoot. Who could it be? Organized crime? A competing GM? A crazed loner? Both goalies are scheduled for blood tests for tomorrow and more should become clear at that point.

In related health news GM David Burns was relased from the psychiatric ward after recovering from a conversation with Stephen Hawking.