Set to "shuffle"

Trying to do something to turn around the horror that has occurred thusfar this season, the Bruins have taken steps to shuffle multiple player positions.

Noting the team had several players who were serving as healthy scratches, despite their usefulness at other positions, the Boston Bruins today shuffled their positions with the CLUTCH League Office - ran by Ryan Long, pictured at right walking through the office. The formal request was filed at 9:50 pm (Eastern) and is expected to take effective tomorrow.

Moving to right wing will be Petr Sykora the younger, who played the position extensively during his developmental years. He had been lining at center for the Bruins to exploit... something. Previous management set him there for reasons unbeknownest to the current regime. It is also hoped that the wing will encourage him to regrow his mullet.

Pictured at left is a random chick whose picture I found when searching for the word "Shuffle". I thought you would enjoy. You can thank me by NOT shaking my hand or patting me on the back after enjoying yourself to her image.

Moving to left wing will be current scratch Matt Hartigan. It is difficult to determine if Mr. Hartigan actually exists, as searches of multiple sites came up with any evidence, but it appears he may have once played under the pseudonym of Mark Hartigan at St. Cloud State, where he averaged almost 1.5 points a game playing on the left wing.

Bruins General Manager, Joshua Anderson, told the media member in attendance "We hope this will serve to be a more efficient use of cash flow and better meet our team's needs. By shuffling players to either wing, we'll be able to send at least two players to the farm for continued seasoning, and hopefully, development. We also believe the players replacing them - Sykora and Hartigan - will show an improvement on the ice which will translate to victories. Of course, this is all speculative, and we'll see how things pan out."