Drug Probe Ordered as Rangers Stop Islanders
Allegations of doping flew last night after the giant-killing Rangers did it just like they did to Carolina a few weeks ago. Young defenceman Jonahtan Girard had the game of his life in scoring the winner and assisting on the other two goals enroute to a thrilling 3-1 victory over the Islanders juggernaut but controversy exploded after the game.
The league announced it would be commissioning a probe into GM Burns' distrubution of his league sanctioned anti-depressants to his team. The probe would also investigate the Toronto Maple Leafs.
The well documented emotional breakdown of GM Burns during a Leaf game last year spurred the league to get him counselling and medication. About the time he began taking them his team went on a tear and is racing up the standings. The league has been concerned over the ever increasing prescriptions it is filling and is now convinced that it has reached inhuman proportions and, therefore, something is suspicious.
"I don't know what you're talking about," a clearly giddy Thilbault said after the game. The goalie didn't look remotely tired after stopping 36 of 37 shots for the win. "Why's everybody so tense? Can't we all just let things be what they are, man, and get along?"
"You're hillarious!" chuckled Jonathan Girard as he jogged by. "Can't talk my friends! I'm going to buy some candy!"
The team seemed unusually high over the win as reporters entered the dressing room after the game. When told he had had a great game by a reporter team captain JP Dumont said "Thanks man!" elatedly and embraced the reporter for an uncomfortably long period of time. "It's just so, y'know, FANTASTIC to be appreciated," he said while choking back tears.
"This is so typical of the world," said GM Burns. "Here we are a bunch of guys having a good time and someone has to try and ruin the party. I mean look at Coach Neilson juggle for godsakes! He's great! And I bet you didn't know Bure could turn his eye lids inside out like that. These guys are just jokers. You're jokers! Ya hear me!" he said and wandered away.